Obsessive Cycling Disorder/The Pain Goddess/Balance

     Yesterday I reconnected with an old friend I call my inner pain goddess. She's been absent in my life for a few years now and I welcomed meeting her again on new terms. Terms I knew wouldn't match our previous relationship. Throughout my life this old friend has helped me through many physical challenges, many times it was the suffering of a physical workout that that got me through tough emotional times bringing clarity to my thoughts and a sense of accomplishment, even rest.

     But a few years ago, when I encountered an major emotional crisis my pain goddess let me down--or so I believed.  I could no longer go to that place where I could push my body until my muscles screamed for relief and my lungs could no longer breathe. The pain cave was inaccessible, she kept me out.  It took a long time for me to realize that this was self preservation in the works; that without a stable mind my body wasn't safe from the pain I would inflict on it.  The key to a strong body is a strong mind and vice versa, without each other one will fail.

     So there I was, forced to play her way; stop when she shut off my strength, cry randomly until I felt better, sit in silence and meditate and the most difficult thing: ask my friends for help.  Thankful that friends are always willing and a dear friend once said to me, "My wife (who is a fitness trainer) could torture me with a park bench." From this I realized that yeah, it isn't the bike, the power meter, the whatever, it's a mentality, a willingness to accept what you can do/what you have available and do it to the extent in which you can do it well. So I made that bike path my park bench yesterday, but I let my inner pain goddess decide how hard I could go and when to sit on it. After all, I want her to trust me again; to know that I have learned that sacrificing my body is not a remedy for woes of the heart or head.

     It was good mid-ride to hear her whisper go harder ~so I did~~ and it felt like a welcome hug.  After a series of intervals drawn from memory my quads had a familiar burn, my chest heaved, sweat rolled off my arms and I realized I was drooling and smiling.  I sat up satisfied and elated and in that incredible moment of clarity combined with exhaustion and exhilaration I found the remedy for Obsessive Cycling Disorder:

  BALANCE



 

     Welcome back my old friend, Miss Pain Goddess,  I'll follow your wheel to my new strength.

RaeLynn

A little pledge to myself...

I look back over the past two years and realize how fast time passes~~sure that's cliché, but I don't have any other way to put it.  There's another cliché that goes "time flies when you're having fun" however, I think time always flies. I've certainly spent some time in the past 2 years that haven't been fun.

As I look back I regret that lost time; worrying about things that really didn't matter, stressed out over my injuries and feeling disconnected by moving away from my friends AGAIN.  But I'm grateful that as humans, we can (and luckily, I am still alive to do so) change our attitude, our circumstance and embrace what we love most.

So within that theme, I've gone back to this blog and found things that really are important to me; writing, spending time with friends, adventure and travel.  I'm going to place my focus on these things.

I was inspired to make a little pledge to myself when my best friend sent me this T-shirt which I absolutely love!

 It also came with a coffee mug that said "What's the worst that could happen?"

Forget how far, how fast and worrying about the future.
Unplug from the internet.
Call a friend and TALK, not text.
Kick away negativity, control freaks & narcissists.
Invite generosity and courage back into your life.
Time flies, enjoy being present.